A Modest Proposal for a People Offset Market

A Modest Proposal

Jonathan Swift’s infamous essay, A Modest Proposal: For Preventing the Children of Poor People in Ireland from being a Burden to their Parents or Country, and for making Them Beneficial to the Publik proposed a detailed plan for the impoverished Irish to sell their children to the wealthy for food. Swift even provided a list of possible preparations for children, and calculations showing the financial benefits of his plan.

With the urgent need to reduce CO2 emissions on the planet, environmentalists have proposed carbon offset markets, allowing the worst polluters to purchase offsets from relatively ‘clean’ emitters, and thus reduce their own carbon footprints. The carbon offset market has a potential estimated value in the billions.

But why take only half-way measures? There is no question people are the biggest problem, as they cause millions of tons of CO2 emissions each day, just by breathing, not to mention driving in air-conditioned cars, barbequing, heating and cooling their homes, and flying to exotic vacation destinations. The problem, then, is not carbon, it’s people. The more we can remove people from the planet, the better off the planet will be.

Many would consider this draconian. After all, who would make the decisions? My proposal advocates a voluntary People Offset Market (POM), where those wishing to make life better for the planet would voluntarily market themselves for elimination. What better example of the Free Market at work?

Here’s how it would work: those willing to sacrifice themselves for the good of the planet, while at the same time reducing the human population, could freely market themselves on an exchange. Those purchasing people offsets could reduce their footprint. One person giving up his or her life hugely reduces carbon emissions; thousands, even millions of people voluntarily giving themselves over to Spaceship Earth--think of the immediate reductions in emissions!

Those selling their lives would have the funds go to the Al Gore Trust for Inconvenient People, which would set up subsidized People Offset Markets in developing countries. I'm contacting Planned Parenthood to see if we can include aborted fetuses in this, too. After all, one abortion equals a huge lifetime carbon savings!

Some countries could benefit from retroactive credits: think of Hitler’s Germany, Stalin’s Russia, or Hirohito’s Japan. Surely we cannot ignore the incalculable carbon offset benefits of eliminating a few hundred million people. In order to prevent retroactive offsets from swamping the market, however, one would have to account for all the CO2 emissions from decomposing bodies. Funeral Homes would face the same issue in calculating their own carbon offsets.

Those involved in traffic accidents with fatalities would have their sentences reduced if they bought offsets, with compensation to the victims’ families going to the Gore Trust. Genocide-inclined tyrants would get special UN support for the elimination of whole populations and special provisions in Kyoto II. The more Tibetans the Chinese eliminate, the more people offsets they get! Jumbo Jet goes down in the jungle? No problem! The airline accrues it to the bottom line!

And think of the savings the US could enjoy with just one atomic bomb strategically dropped on a concentrated population center! Why, the US military would practically corner the futures market in people offsets!

The UN should get to work right away on this proposal. There is no time to waste. An advisory panel with Robert Mugabe, Omar Al-Bashir, a few Serbian field commanders, some Al-Qaeda jihadists, NATO, the Russian General Staff (especially useful for identifying successful Soviet techniques), the EU Commission, and Dutch euthanasia doctors and nurses should get things kicked off. After that, we'll get booths set up in shopping malls, and the Little League can use this as a fund raiser. Not forgetting Hollywood: remarketing The Titanic as a noble People Offset Market event rather than a disaster will rake in millions!